Nov 19, 2009

My grandmother used to sing this. Words of a beautiful poet put to the saddest song. But this is the sound of mashreq. Sorrow music. I sat on my bed tonight, playing this over and over. And I cried hard. Rocking myself to the rhythm of distance.
And for a moment, nothing made sense. Twenty two years. None of it. Except the heaviness of loss. I wanted them here with me. All of them. Even the ones who took flight. I wanted them here, in this room. Telling me to release it all from my bones.

Nov 17, 2009

Severe is as Severe Does
(Yeah Saturn)

A while back, I was "diagnosed" with something called, Severe PMS. It is common among women with PCOS and/or blood sugar issues (both of which I also struggle with). The manifestations of Severe PMS vary in different women, but basically, you're a little "off" for a few days (or up to two weeks) prior to your period. By "off" I mean anywhere from full blown depression/anxiety to being unable to focus or make decisions as basic as what to wear. Depending on diet, state of mind, and overall well being, the severity of the condition changes. Pretty much all stimulants, depressants, and anything with sugar, is not a good look.

Like any other invisible disability, Severe PMS can have serious effects on your everyday, while you "appear" to be quite okay to everyone around you. Some people tend to think you're exaggerating, making shit up, or that you have full control over your body's response to hormonal shifts. Reality is, the only control you have is how you choose to take care of yourself.

For the most part, I try to not make a big deal about it. Severe PMS is something I live with. But the last little while has been quite difficult. My period is a month and a half late. And with late periods, comes a higher severity of PMS. Not awesome. As a friend of mine says, "aren't we always waiting for your period?" Sadly, we are. But this is how it is. Me and all my PMS glory. This is the time I am most creative. And highly sensitive and open. Which means, I become drained easily; and time alone becomes a necessity.

I know I can be difficult to be around (just ask those who have lived with me or dated me). But the ones that love me get it. And the more I learn about myself, the better I become at owning my shit. But what I need to keep working on is, knowing, and being assertive about my capacity as a friend, lover, co-worker, basically, as a person in this world. And not being so damn hard on myself (read: mean to myself). I have to ask myself what I need, and ask it from those around me; I have to clearly express what I can/cannot handle (for better or worse). Those who love me, will understand. Those who don't then have not really understood, or appreciate, the kind and loving person I am. One thing I do know is that my heart is open.

So Saturn, keep doing your thing. I promise to continue reflecting and growing. Self-care is about self-love and learning to be there for yourself. Because ultimately, being alone is a damn scary thing, but not being able to care for yourself is even scarier.
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