Introspection
(summer of dragonflies)

Spent the last few days thinking about what it is I need to be focusing on right now. I have allowed myself to be distracted for too long; and now it's to make those decisions I have been evading. Been feeling too many social pressures on where I should be in life. Watched many of my friends get married, have babies and settle. The truth is I do not want to "settle" in any aspect of my life; that would mean killing my ambitions. And that is not me, never been. I have always been on the margins; never fully followed social norms, though they affect me still. I have only come to realize the amount of influence my own expectations (as per social norms) have had on my interpretations of situations in my life; namely my career and love life (with more emphasis on the latter).

My friends been telling me "you're so ready to wifey" (i.e. settle down with a lover in a committed relationship). I disagree. I know I have that capacity, and intuitively know this will happen eventually. But right now, I'm ready and wanting to wifey my artistic endeavors. This is the one commitment that will truly fullfill me.

So where does this leave me in terms of my love life? I know love (in a romantic sense) is an integral part of my life. But I am now realizing how loaded (and restrictive) my attitude towards it has been thus far. I recently ended something that was perfectly what I needed for the time being; casual but fulfilling in the way I needed. The touch was good and healing. What more did I want? Knowing well from the get that there was no potential for long term commitment with this person, I still let myself get caught up (infatuated?), which ended up being a distraction from the real commitment at hand: my art.

Here I am now, feeling more clarity than I ever have about myself. Intuition is guiding me in a way I never thought possible. I know I am definitely where I need to be. Anxieties are fading. I am feeling in synch. It is all coming together. Alhamdullilah.