Personal Reflections :
becoming me
i've been going through some serious transformations, personal growth, over the last couple of years. it all seems to be coming together, or intensifying, in the last month or two. i've noticed changes in the way i see and process things. i'm feeling more comfortable in my body, and in my head. i'm learning to accept myself, love myself, and be good to myself. these have been my challenges. despite all the care and support i've had in my life (blessings) certain life experiences (traumas), and my individual ways of dealing with them, have ultimately affected who i've become. i can try to separate myself from those expriences, but they are inevitably a part of me, and who i'm becoming.
it's hard to revisit certain memories. but i'm learning to process in a way that doesn't erase or replace. though it's always easier to burry the shit. but i want to grow. i want to feel movement. i want to come into being in real way. and the way to do it is to get through those experiences. I want to get through the blocks. not go around them, but right through them.
"In exile, there is distance that allows for memory that remains painful to be controlled." (Kwame Dawes)
there comes a time when there is enough distance to get through. through the hurt. through the scars. through the shit. this distance isn't only physical. you create your own exile. then you return to those memories. yes, it's easier to guard them with silence. but silence won't get you to where you want to be. that is, if you want to get there.
and i want to get there.
and i'm getting there.
and i know that becoming me is going to be a life long journey.
becoming me
i've been going through some serious transformations, personal growth, over the last couple of years. it all seems to be coming together, or intensifying, in the last month or two. i've noticed changes in the way i see and process things. i'm feeling more comfortable in my body, and in my head. i'm learning to accept myself, love myself, and be good to myself. these have been my challenges. despite all the care and support i've had in my life (blessings) certain life experiences (traumas), and my individual ways of dealing with them, have ultimately affected who i've become. i can try to separate myself from those expriences, but they are inevitably a part of me, and who i'm becoming.
it's hard to revisit certain memories. but i'm learning to process in a way that doesn't erase or replace. though it's always easier to burry the shit. but i want to grow. i want to feel movement. i want to come into being in real way. and the way to do it is to get through those experiences. I want to get through the blocks. not go around them, but right through them.
"In exile, there is distance that allows for memory that remains painful to be controlled." (Kwame Dawes)
there comes a time when there is enough distance to get through. through the hurt. through the scars. through the shit. this distance isn't only physical. you create your own exile. then you return to those memories. yes, it's easier to guard them with silence. but silence won't get you to where you want to be. that is, if you want to get there.
and i want to get there.
and i'm getting there.
and i know that becoming me is going to be a life long journey.
posted by pomegranate queen at 9/09/2007
10 Comments:
hey pq! the only way out is in. right? :)
are you on your saturn return? it sounds like it. :D
hey lin,
YES. that saturn i tell you, combine it with a few mercury's in retrograde and you've got a lovely combo for a nervous breakdown. :) but i've been swimming the currents and learning a heckofalot in the process! yup.
and yes, the only way out is in. couldn't agree with you more. :)
i look forward to reading your writing. posts like this is why i keep returning to your blog...it's so honest. and it's funny, when i was reading i was thinking this sounded like Saturn return. and then i see the question from Lin. life can be very difficult (and has been lately), but i would rather go through these difficult times and come out stronger, wiser, and happier, than have no difficulty and remain in the same place my entire life. thanks so much for sharing.
p.s. my Saturn return is approaching and i think i'm feeling the prelude to it right now
I'm an agoraphobic, so I'm constantly struggling with things as simple as leaving the house. But I've come to believe struggle is with purpose.I think that struggle is actually our true relationship with self. Think about it, if we never struggled and we were always in a state of contentment would we endevour to know ourselves? Would we ponder our weaknesses and work on them? So through the tunnel of struggle we go and we wait until we emerge from it and see the light of day, but how beautiful it is when we do see it!
Thanks for your post, I really needed to read it today.
thanks dara. it's definitely been a saturn returns type deal. i'm telling you: intense, intense, intense. but all for the good. so yours is on its way, huh? hang in there. all i can say is so much learning will come out of it, if you're open to it. and it sounds like you most definitely are.
mes deaux cents, i fully feel you on "struggle" and how it relates to one's relationship to self. thanks for your words. i appreciate the comments that people like yourself, Lin, Dara and others, leave for me. especially with more personal posts such as this.
i often feel really self conscious after i write these posts and want to immediately delete them. and i have with many other posts in the past. lately though, i've been leaving them. wanting to share a bit more of me. putting a bit more of me, out there. so i really appreciate your comments, your words.
huge process, but it seems like realizing that you're still growing and have room to grow is the biggest step. (in my experience.)
mcc, thanks for your comment. looked on your profile and didn't find a link to your blog. if you have one, i'd love to read it.
This is an awesome post! I love your courage. You are truly a warrior-spirit!
ktrion, thaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you. much love.
PQ
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