Jan 24, 2006

Random Encounters...or Perhaps Not.

I just got back from being away for one month, moved into a new place over the weekend, and finally got my internet working (thanks to the person who showed me the obvious!)

I've been going through an emotional roller coaster over the last month or so. Like all roller coaster rides, it has been, how can I put it, a scream? Anyway, I've been doing a lot of non-thinking (i.e. trying to think less) and trying not to take myself too seriously. I'm trying to block negative energy, and have faith that things end up working out they way they do. I don't mean that in a "fate" sort of way (well, not entirely at least), but I mean it as a "let go and just be" kind of way.

Let go and just be, like

Let things happen...

Let life happen...

And most importantly, experience life.

The other night, I met a friend of a friend at a bar/lounge where they were spinning nice tunes (Keni Burke!). Anyway, so me and this woman started talking, like we were meant to have this conversation, and she said something that really stuck with me (and thank you for that, much respect). I was telling her about my life situation, and mentioned something about being at a point in my life where I wanted to pursue my passion with great intensity...but in doing so, I wouldn't worry or stress, but rather have faith...things would work out.

She told me since I was a writer and loved words, I would appreciate what she was about to say. She asked me if I knew the Latin root of the word "confidence"...and broke it down for me like this:

con = with
fid = faith
ence = state

confidence = state of being with faith

It's like I had never really thought about what this English word, which so many of us concern ourselves with (I need confidence, confidence is important, take courses to better your confidence, have more confidence! Confidence is the key to successs), really meant.

This way of thinking about the term, or better yet, the idea, resonates in the deepest way with me. It's really all about exisiting in a state of being with faith.

I'd like to break down the notion of "faith" and what I mean by it...but I wouldn't know where to start...I guess in short, it's my way of articulating this idea of letting go, being less "attached" so to speak...

I'm too damn tired to get into it right now...

Perhaps I'll have a part two for this entry.

For now, shabetan bekheir.


Blogger fiercelyfab said...

I hear you on the rollercoaster ride and trying to think less- not take self too seriously. This post resonates a lot with me in the "let go just be"

You stated it so well in your qualms with confidence, oh and thanks for the confidence breakdown.

I wanted to say that your last comment at brownfemipower's blog about being afraid to comment for the lack of sounding "dumb" you know, projections of insecurity, the darn internalized violence--beating us in every way even in spaces where we are welcomed. And sharing your story about being in grad school and feeling like it was a fluke because of your fear and insecurities, I was like damn she is so right, how many of us have been there and are still there. I nodded my head and most definitely can improve on writing concisely and more 'articulately' in my comments/entries but certain blogs, the ones springing up from the radical women of color among other few I've known don't intimidate to share myself--with syntax and content drama and all.

The other comment I wanted to respond to, but again fear of not "stealing" and redirecting the conversation I thought I'd come to your blog instead. On Nubian's entry about her reasons for blogging. You commented on women of color now owning up to their own privileges, displacing them and not willing to recognize how unacknowledging privileges can silence other women of color...yes--I couldn't agree with you more. I think this would be an excellent topic to post on.

Anyway I've been meaning to share my thoughts on what you've been saying and how much it is appreciated.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Pomegranate Queen said...

thanks for sharing your thoughts...it's soooooo important to share our stories and let each other know about those very personal things (i.e. insecurities) that we are often not comfortable putting out into those "spaces of intimidation and marginalization" (for a lack of a better term)

I'm working on that internalized violence...everyday is a struggle (not to sound corny) but definitely a step closer to where I wanna be...again, why I truly believe connections such as the ones we are making through our blogging are so so so crucial.

yah, I'm thinking of posting something on the whole unacknowledged privileges thing...if you get a chance, check out my piece, Dialogues of Anti-Oppression # 1, posted in October...it touches on it a bit.

thanks again for sharing your thoughts...much appreciated.


12:07 AM  
Blogger Kalimba said...

PQ, I love your blog and its circle. I think someone can be inspired by these dialogues of identity and anti-oppression, regardless of their privilege, gender association or ethnicity - especially if these are areas of inertia in one's thinking.

Thanks for the kind words on Drop It. Things to come.

2:05 PM  
Blogger brownfemipower said...

Hey! I'm soo glad to see you back again! I've been visiting over and over, wondering where the heck you disappeared to!!!! ;-)

I wanted to second fab and you on intimidation and oppression through language--I am not much of an academic--I was planning on going into a phd program until i started reading theory, and I pretty much gave up the dream for creative writing. there are a lot of bloggers out there who are in academia, and although I "get" their stuff and understand what they're saying, I don't join in the dialogue because i can't spell half the shit they're saying much less use it correctly in a sentence. I feel ok posting things on trusted bloggers, like you and fab and nubian and others--but I don't much post outside of that. My tongue trips over those words like my father's tongue tripped over english..
anyway, PQ, every time i imagine you in real life, I think of your "about me" picture only you would have Pomegranate colored lips---

10:45 PM  
Blogger Pomegranate Queen said...

I know i've been in and out with blogging...going through some personal stuff, but i'm realizing that writing is what's going to get me through.

I'm so glad you experienced the Chrystos weekend! There's so many things she said to you (which you shared with us) that resonated with me (and i'm sure a heck of a lot of us), thanks for sharing your experience!!

I also look forward to reading your poetry when you're up for posting it. your writing is so poetic, it's like the poetry juices are just flowing out of your prose incessantly.


9:26 AM  
Blogger Pomegranate Queen said...

pomegranate colored lips...WOW, that would be an incredible lipstick color!!!!! ;)

9:29 AM  
Blogger brownfemipower said...

I'm TELLING ya girl!!! i'd pay GOOD MONEY for that lipstick!!! ;-)
You are an amazing poetess--i just love and identify with your stuff so much, I can tell that we feel the same colors ya know? some people are pastels others are all black--but you and me, we see pomegranate...

11:47 PM  
Blogger Pomegranate Queen said...

I totally hear you girl! the way you put it is so on point...YES, you are absolutely right, we do see pomegranate.

10:17 AM  

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